yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
