After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
