I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
