I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
