Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
