Need sex. Gaining weight.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
