Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize