I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize