I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
