yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
