some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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