How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
