if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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