I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
