I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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