It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
