he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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