I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
