Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
