how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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