You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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