Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
