I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
