Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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