The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
