when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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