Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize