i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
