so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize