Whod you bang
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
