You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
