I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
