Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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