Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
