If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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