I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
