Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize