even my farts smell like vagina
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
