Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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