I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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