ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
