I looked at my own cervix.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I am naked and annoyed.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
