Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
