Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
