You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
