508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
