I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
