So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
