I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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