don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize