you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
