I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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