i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
