I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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