i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize